Hello lovelies,
Today is not going so well at all. Work is INSANE.
Yesterday I was doing so well, then I screwed up in the evening and binged. I didn't have the porridge in the morning, but did have the fruit pot and salad. Dinner was as planned, but then after dinner, I ended up eating 4 pieces of toast, with bovril and cottage cheese on (wtf?). I promise I'm not pregnant! So retarded of me. I couldn't purge either as hubby was hawking over me. I reckon my total cal intake yesterday was around 1200-1300 which is WAY TOO HIGH.
Today I have just had 3 coffees with milk (maybe 1/2 pint?) and have just finished a brown roll with prawn mayo on (200 cals to be safe). 1 cup a soup (100 cals), but I'm stressing out because my husband and I are going for dinner tonight, but don't know where. I don't want to pig out! Also I then have choir practice from 730-10, so at least that keeps me busy and unable to eat! I even remembered a water bottle today too. Go me! I'm going to be performing more and more with the choir, so I really do need to shift this weight quickly. Plus I'm going to Turkey for a holiday at the end of April and I don't want to look like a beached whale.
Tomorrow is official weigh day. I say this because at work we have weekly weigh-in sessions because a group of us are trying to lose weight. I'm so embarrassed by these - I'm clearly either the most heavy or second most heavy (my male manager might be more than me), but it's disgusting. I cannot NOT lose weight at these weigh ins. Trouble is, I've been off work the past 2 Fridays.... so I don't know what I am on the scales here. Freaked out big time. I think I'm going to have to ensure that I'm definitely taking my Orlistat and also maybe get some more senna tabs. Sad but true that this is my life but I have let myself get to this disgusting state. Horrible.
Need to pencil in some swimming sessions too. Very scared about getting into a swimsuit at this monstrous size, but I'm calm in the water and I can exercise and not realise it. Must sort this out ASAP!
OK so lunch is over at work, so need to get back to this day of insanity.
Thursday, 2 February 2012
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
For this to work, I need a plan. So this is today's plan:
Breakfast
1 x Harvest Morn hot oats with Water 97 calories
1 x fruit pot 63 calories
Lunch
1 x minestrone cup a soup 91 calories
1 x coleslaw salad 150
Dinner
1 x pork chop 250 calories
stir-fry vegetables 150 calories
It's now 1300 and I failed to eat porridge and fruit, so going to have that this afternoon. Just eaten my minestrone soup and will have my salad in a short while. Taken my orlistat pill too along with propanalol for my anxiety. I want lose 5lbs this week as a minimum.
Breakfast
1 x Harvest Morn hot oats with Water 97 calories
1 x fruit pot 63 calories
Lunch
1 x minestrone cup a soup 91 calories
1 x coleslaw salad 150
Dinner
1 x pork chop 250 calories
stir-fry vegetables 150 calories
It's now 1300 and I failed to eat porridge and fruit, so going to have that this afternoon. Just eaten my minestrone soup and will have my salad in a short while. Taken my orlistat pill too along with propanalol for my anxiety. I want lose 5lbs this week as a minimum.
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Today hasn't been so good so far....
Foodwise:
1 x coffee with milk and 2 x tea with milk 140
1 brown roll, hummus, tomato, half egg 300
1 packet cheese and onion crisps 170
1 minestrone cup a soup 91
I've smoked all but one of my cigarettes too.
That's 701 calories right there. That's disgusting given that it is only 1330.
I actually need a plan, then I can stop freaking out. Dinner I have to eat with my husband. Tonight is supposed to be pork chop with vegetables. I'm going to try to skip the potatoes and maybe just eat half the pork chop. Black coffee or water only for the rest of the day though.
Foodwise:
1 x coffee with milk and 2 x tea with milk 140
1 brown roll, hummus, tomato, half egg 300
1 packet cheese and onion crisps 170
1 minestrone cup a soup 91
I've smoked all but one of my cigarettes too.
That's 701 calories right there. That's disgusting given that it is only 1330.
I actually need a plan, then I can stop freaking out. Dinner I have to eat with my husband. Tonight is supposed to be pork chop with vegetables. I'm going to try to skip the potatoes and maybe just eat half the pork chop. Black coffee or water only for the rest of the day though.
Monday, 30 January 2012
featherlight - it means what says.
This journal is my way of tracking my journey to being featherlight. It's going to be a long journey....
I've always wished to be featherlight. To fade away into nothingness. But no.... instead I turn to food. My enemy. It pretends to give me pleasure when all it does is bring me pain, despair and self-loathing.
I've been not tracking things for so long. Recovered if you like. The term recovered is a joke though. Recovered to me, means bingeing without purging and now I'm monstrous. Truly monstrous. 247lbs of monstrosity. Fuck recovery.
Definition of FEATHERLIGHT
: extremely light
Examples of FEATHERLIGHT
- <the company has designed a strong but featherlight fiber which it hopes to market to manufacturers of body armor>
First Known Use of FEATHERLIGHT
circa 1837
Related to FEATHERLIGHT
I've always wished to be featherlight. To fade away into nothingness. But no.... instead I turn to food. My enemy. It pretends to give me pleasure when all it does is bring me pain, despair and self-loathing.
I've been not tracking things for so long. Recovered if you like. The term recovered is a joke though. Recovered to me, means bingeing without purging and now I'm monstrous. Truly monstrous. 247lbs of monstrosity. Fuck recovery.
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